jbink24

I really only seem to post on here when I have a problem in my life... *shrugs* I guess it helps. You can't lead your life trying to take care of other people, you get yourself completely lost in it, and when you realize that you need something to keep you, actually you happy, it comes as way too much of a shock and you dont' even know how to handle it. I would never, ever intentionally hurt someone, but I guess I have been, and I'm kind of ashamed about it. Can hugging someone too tight really smother them? Sure. But it's hard to tell when you're doing it. I'm sorry. They say all you need is love, but I'm not so sure of that. All you need is love and a map to anywhere but here when it gets too complicated. Three days until I'm 18. One month until graduation. I need a change of scenery reguardless of how current situations unravel. I need a place to go for a little while.

Through all the years you've been there, you've never gave a damn.
Since I was young you've belittled me and made me feel ashamed for being who I am.
My earliest memories are of of the sting of your open fist,
and fighting half the night that was impossible to miss.
Too many bad dreams, too many bad days.
All flying by in a painful haze
I've always loved you, I'm not afraid to admit,
I've always seen your good, even when it was only a little bit.
But you've hurt me, hurt us too many times to forgive,
Haunted my childhood, when I never really had one to give.

Now I'm older, 17, although I feel older than my age
And you've put us through so much hell, in your fits of rage.
You've moved out 7 months ago, agreeing it was for the best
So why does still my mother cry, sobs shaking through her chest?
I feel so weak, so hurt, so lost, but still I must be strong.
a psuedo head of house, trying to move healing along.
We're your family, your children. Or does that mean nothing at all?
Leaving threats and playing mindgames everytime you call.
We've lost our home, our normal life, isn't that enough?
Or is there any bit of happiness that you don't want to fuck up?

I do miss you, I'll admit. a little bit more every day.
But I can't even look at you until this hurt has time to go away.
I'm torn in two, by your two halves confused by your words
the father that you've been for years, and the one that I deserve.

If there's one thing I can't handle, it's seeing the people that I love hurt... Or the people that I love hurting me. My mother has a heart of gold, and to have to hold her, consoling her because she thinks that all of this is her fault... breaks my heart. It's too much. I can't do all this myself, I can't handle this... too many tears... too much hurt... But still, I hold my head high and try to keep pushing on. Even though most days I just want to fall into a deep, warm, dark hole and not wake up. Life's got to get better soon... something good has to happen... it HAS to... I deserve it. We deserve it. I'm a good person, I KNOW I am. I deserve better, my family deserves better... every heartbreak is just another kick to the stomach... I feel sick.

!$&@! I take the day off for some bodily and mental rest, and stilll... I'm surrounded by fighting. My head is spinning from it. Jesus christ, can't people ever just get along? Is it really that hard? I for one, don't need this. I've had enough of it this year, and all this negativity and hate is really starting to wear me out me off. Life isn't about "he did this a year ago, so I'm going to complain about it to you for an hour when you're trying to sleep." or "I wish you were never born because you took my box." Life is about living in the now, and trying to get along as best as we can. We all have shit to go through we all have stress, so why do we have to add more? We should all be sticking together... love... peace... I think the hippies had it right. I need more positive people... I need more love, fuck this fighting, fuck the hate. that's not what I'm about. I love you all dearly, family, friends, even accquaintences, I really do. Just sometimes you drag me down... so much. So, the next time you see me, give me a hug or something, it just might brighten both of our days.

Now, I know that I'm a bit hypocrytical about this, I'm not always smiles and laughs, but I'm trying. Really, I am. People around here should too. It's giving me a headache.

End rant. Thank you.

I just got done reading... every single blog I've ever posted on here. It's amazing seeing each one get a bit louder, a bit more daring, a bit more *gulp* adult. But it's the truth, I don't feel like a kid anymore, I feel like... I don't know what I feel like. Certainly not innocent, never innocent. This summer has been such an... eye opener? Vice creator? I don't know. I say I'm happy with all the decisions I've made, but honestly, my stomach does dances whenever I think about it. I ultimatly fail at life. Not only have I given in on things that I used to passionatly protest, but I've been sneaking around, harboring secrets and guilts... vices. I've given in on fighting it. I'm sailing through things right now, not even caring that I'm not sure this is the life I want to be living. But at the same time, I enjoy every second of it. Guilty pleasures, lack of morals. The me two years ago would cry if they saw me now.

I don't know if that bothers me or not. The me who started posting lame sarcastic blogs way back when didn't know much about life. She was sheltered and naive... I don't really think she was happy either... but then again... I don't know if I am now. You know? I mean, I'm happy... honestly, I am. I just sometimes feel guilty... hurt... angry... with myself. I need to chill before I lose myself... I need to @*$^@ calm down, *le sigh* I need a hug.... I need to just say Fuckitall! say it with me: fuck-it-all.

On second thought, not all my vices are bad... I really like them right now... They keep me safe. They keep me happy. Happy is good. I'm a good person when I'm happy. I LIKE me when I'm happy. I mean, I went through a shitty bout there... I was horrible. I admit it, I was mean, psychotic... and I was miserable being that way. Now, I feel reborn, sometimes I can just close my eyes and that Jeanette never existed, just this happy (thoughsomewhat torn) trippy hippy relaxed one I know now. I understand myself now... I understand that I'm confused... I'm confused because I don't know what I want, I don't know what's goign to happen... and I'm confused becasue my life involves around a few unhealthy habits

I do believe that I love you. I haven't told you that... I should get around to it soon.... no matter your response. I just see so much in you that makes me happy... so much that I wish that I was... so much I care for, feel protective of, worry about... and when we're hanging out, I feel safe... if telling you means that things have to change... so be it. I can handle that. I'll always be here for you. You should know that by now. (we should really talk)

I do believe that I love you too, but in a different way... like a sister... only recently have I realized how much I've hurt you in the past.. I feel like shit about it, really. I do. You're understanding, and patient, superfly, and the most beautiful person I know. If I were a lesbian, I'de be all over you. Ha ha. ^____^.

Anyway, school startes tomorrow... I think I'm excited... I know a lot of kickass people. I miss a lot of them... and I'm a fucking senior... this is the last first day of highschool I'll ever have.... wow. Gotta dress up pretty, gotta get up early and drink coffee untill it spills out my ears, gotta stay up half the night... I'm doing this bitch right. Theres one lap left in the race, time to sprint it. "Full speed ahead, Giddy the fuck up!" Ha ha... heh...

I can't believe I'm waiting for a phone call that has absolutely no importance to anything... but here I sit... phone at hand, waiting for it to ring... ring... ring goddamn you.

I don't fucking want to move. i know that sounds childish and whiney, but god help me, I really don't. I've got so many memories here, so much of this room, this house, is me. But then again, it's just a house... I will survive, we'll all be better off. that's what's important, right?

I wrote a poem last week... I really need to get my head off that subject... I posted it in an earlier blog, but I'm not ready to share it yet... only... one... maybe two... peole have access to it. I honestly think it's some of my better work, but it's not ready to see the world. A dead letter if you will.

Alright... I've got to stop procrastinating my drawing project, I work tomorrow, so I don't have time to do it then... anyway... it's been real. I'm sorry that this blog is confusing and cryptic, and in a completely splattered format. I've just been chain writing, subject to subject, taking thoughts out of my head to make room for others... kind of like a pensieve... gahh... it feels so good for some of these thoughts to see the light of day... so... I guess I'll see everyone around... in school, in town, wherever. You guys keep it interesting, I love you all to death, peace out.

Jeanette.

Really pretty song that I used to listen to all the time. My mom put it on today, and everythign just melted. For 4:21 seconds, it was a year and a half ago, we were dancing around the kitchen singing, my dad was off somewhere, not being psychotic, and she was happy. I was happy. The world turned, and this time warp I'm stuck in for the moment was nonexistant. This song, while nothing extroardinarily special, really got to me today. The music, coursing through my veins, a smile twitching at my lips. All was serene. Like a scene from a movie. It just, it fits me. How I feel, how I've felt. With everything. Simple lyrics, simple tune, awesome bass line, and it speaks from my heart. Everythign a good song should have.

Here I am on the phone again and...
Awkward silences on the other end
I used to know the sound of a smile in your voice
But right now (right now ) all I feel (all I feel) is the pain of fighting starting up again

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind, on my mind
All the things we laugh about
they'll bring us through it every time,
After time, after time

Don't say a word,
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away,
I know you wanna stay
If you just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Some say that time changes,
best friends can become strangers
But I don't want that, no not for you
If you just stay with me we can make it through
So here we are again the same old argument
Now I'm wondering if things will ever change
When will you laugh again,
laugh like you did back when
We'd make noise 'til 3 am,
And the neighbors would complain

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind, stay my mind
All the things we laugh about
they'll bring us through it every time,
After time, after time

Don't say a word,
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away,
I know you wanna stay
If you just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

I'm fallin...
I'm fallin...
I'm fallin down

I'm fallin...
I'm fallin...
I'm fallin down

Down, down,down...

Don't say a word,
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away,
I know you wanna stay
If you just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Don't say a word, (Please don't leave...)
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything
Please don't walk away, (Please don't leave...)
I know you wanna stay
If you just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

It's getting to the point where I can't even tell what's going on in my own head anymore. One minute I'm happy, and the next I'm falling to pieces. My dad did the whole "I'm leaving for real this time!" thing again this week... god is that getting old... my mom was quite upset... that's the one thing I can't handle. There's this pressure on me, to get everyone through this... and it's building. I feel like I'm trying to hold the sky up, when in truth, I don't even think I'm strong enough to hold myself up. I can't continue to let things get to me... I just can't. And yet, I do. My escape is gone... my happy place is gone... one day bleeds into the next and I'm really starting to get tired of this dull, colorless existance. I feel persecuted everywhere I go. At home it's "You're not good enough" and in school it's the cold, bitter isolation, or the stress of grades. I feel like there's this huge gap between me and the remaining friends I have... I don't even want to be around people anymore. Because the ones that I really want and need to spend time with are either gone, or will have nothing to do with me. Nobody seems to understand the strain that I've got on me right now... this stress, this depression... the roots run too deep to fathom. I've been frozen to the core. I try to tell people, and they pass it off as whining. I'm not whining. I'm asking for help. I have no idea how in the hell I'm going to get through all this. I can't live here anymore. I'm getting fucking sick of animosity in this house... I can't go to school becasue it hurts.. I've got nowhere... I feel useless, I feel worthless. Nobody needs or wants me anymore. I crave feeling wanted. I crave feeling needed. It's my oxygen. My life. I"m so disgusted with myself right now for being so fucking weak and letting all this get to me... but it's been piling up since I can remember. I'm exhausted. I've been completely whiped out, erased. All I feel anymore is lost. I just want to sleep... I dont' want to wake up. I want to live in dreams.. in fairytales. Where the hell is a hapily ever after when you need one? God... I'm sitting back and watching myself break down, and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't remember the last time I was truely happy. Probably about 4 months ago.. and that's a long time to be fucked up. It can't go on much longer, it just can't. It's passed the point of rediculous. Not even a soap opera would wish this amount of drama on one of their characters. I'm breaking... I can feel it. If things don't get better soon, I've got no idea whats goign to happen to me. I'm already starting to get sick because of it. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. Jeanette as she was is dead... I wish I knew how to save her.

So, I've been going through my ups and downs... a lot lately. And when I hit those downs I end up doing and saying things that I don't mean. I appologize to anyone that I have hurt, pissed off, or fucked over on this rollercoaster ride. I know that's a long list of people... oi. I hope you can all find it in your heart to forgive me for the bitch I've been. It's jsut been one thing after another... BAM! BAM! BAM! The moment I start to bounce back from one thing, something else happens. It's constant, neverending... how much is one person fucking supposed to be able to handle? I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to fucking strangle something... get my hands messy. In the past two months, I've lost three people who I care very deeply about. So I appologize that I've been weird, and I'm goign to be weird for awhile... I"m not going to dump on any more people... thats not fair to you guys. I dont' want pity, sympathy, or anger. I just want normal. So, I'll probably be distant. Just warning you. And once again, please forgive me if I've wronged you, I"m just trying to find my way through shitty times the best way I know how. I'll be back to myself in awhile... should have some interesting artwork to show from this roller coaster ride from hell though... eeeehhhh.... Jeanette oooouuuuuuuutttttttt......... *fizzle*

Hecka weird things are going on here 0_o... ever since we got my grandmothers grandfather clock, things have been happening... t.v. turning itself on, stuff being thrown when nobody else was in the room... Last night, at around 3am I was trying to go to sleep and I noticed a dark shadow on my ceiling that wouldn't go away even, and started moving around. I tried touching it, and it was freezing. I hope it comes back tonight. It was really comforting having it there. there was this strong presence around it.... anyway the clock used to be in my grandma's house and hadn't worked for around ten years. About 5 months ago, we were over and it suddenly started working again, exactly an hour off, to the minute. NObody touched it, and nobody wound it up. Now it chimes every fifteen minutes faithfully. You're all going to think I'm crazy, but, there's just been too many things to ignore. It's really neat^^

and in other news... my ass is sore. never sled into a tree. It's not pleasant.^^

I want to be a hippie. Just, move with the flow of life, taking everythign in stride... I've been too stuck on what could have, should have happened, to even acknowledge what IS happening. The past... .3-4 months have been a blur... I don't like blurs. I live to soak in the moment, to squeeze every drop of life out of my world as I can. LIfe is short, it's what you make of it. I don't want to look back and say "Damn, I could have enjoyed it so much more..." what's the point of that? I've learned my lesson. And I've made my peace wih what I've been dealt. Sometimes life decides to bitchslap-roundhousekickyouintheface, and I'm cool with that. YOu've just got to move on... let go of old feelings, let go of anger, hate, hurt, love, confusion... that's when you're really free. I'm not sad anymore. I'm not angry. What good would that do me? I can honestly say I forgive. My father, my mom, friends, family, strangers. I forgive them. And I'm sorry for everythign I've done. I'm sorry for yelling, for pointing fingers, for annoying. For not showering... euck>.< I'm sorry. When you let life dictate your feelings, your actions... thats when you've really lost. When you can take a stand and say "I can be happy no matter what" thats when you're in control. When you can suck it up and mend whats been broken... thats when you've won. Friendship, not love, is the strongest power on Earth. And I've got the greatest group of friends I could ever ask for... that's all I need. That's all I want right now. Friendship. Thank you guys for helping me see that^^ I love you all, forserious. I do^^ and now... I'm... happy? Could it be? is it true? Jeanette, seriously happy? yah better bet your ass I am. It's a foreign feeling lately. But, it's back^^ things are on the mend, and that's all I could ask for.

*Visit a foreign country
*Master a musical instrument
*Spend a week homeless
*Live in a flat in New York
*Serenade someone
*Fall in love
*lose someone I love
*knit a scarf
*Have just one decent valentines day
*Skydive
*snowboard
*Climb a mountain
*Win back someone I love
*Go Spelunking
*Learn how to spell spelunking
*Write a story I'm proud of
*Inspire someone
*Have someone fall in love with me
*Dance naked in the rain
*Go skinnydipping
*Spend a week at a nudist colony
*have the perfect honeymoon
*Sing in a band
*Lose all stagefright
*Write a song from the heart
*Stay up all night with someone, and sleep all day in their arms
*Get knocked up
*Save someones life
*Make love under the summer sun
*Escape from a nursing home
*Learn how to deal
*Learn Karate
*Not be my father.

How does one go on when life as they knew, and loved has ended? When their one constant, one fairytale in a reality of disappointments and uncertainties becomes the very thing that causes heartache. Moments in life are fleeting. Grasp them, cherish the moment. For you’ll find that when they’re gone, and the dull empty ache is all that’s left, memories are your only friend. It’s amazing how quickly something that one day causes such joy, such laughter, can the very next day cause your downfall.
How can one go on living when their world’s lost all color, and the sun burns? Surrounded by laughter, tears, others, yet excruciatingly alone. When fairytales end, not in a happily ever after, but in a “I don’t love you anymore,” how do you find the strength to go on? You’re left naked in reality, completely exposed to the elements with not so much as a lick of flame to keep you company. You bite your lip, close your eyes and remember back to happier times, only to discover that the icy fingers of reality have not left even your fairytale untouched. Invaded the only safe place that you had.
Shaking and convulsing, heavy self-absorbed sobs propel you down, deeper into your grave, dug by your own two hands. The line between dreams and waking is a blurred one. You exist in a world that doesn’t exist. Your body becomes a machine, going through the motions, but processing nothing.
Hah! A laugh, right on cue. Better flash a smile and reply with a witty response. You become your own mask, but under the façade, you no longer exist. The very essence of yourself has been destroyed, whittled down to nothing but a hollow shell searching for your lost fairytale. How can one exist like this? When it hurts to breath, hurts to eat, hurts to even dare to dream… the only thing that brings relief is sleep, and even dreams are haunted with “If only’s,” and “what if’s?” When all hope is gone, and your fairytale hangs just out of your reach… how do you go on?

Jag känner en bot
Hon heter Anna. Anna heter hon,
och hon kan banna banna dig så hårt
Hon röjer upp i våran kanal.
Jag vill berätta för dig att jag känner en bot.

Jag känner en bot
Hon heter Anna. Anna heter hon,
och hon kan banna banna dig så hårt
Hon röjer upp i våran kanal.
Jag vill berätta för dig att jag känner en bot,
som alltid vaktar alla som är här,
och som ser till att vi blir utan besvär.
Det finns ingen take-over som lyckas.
Kom ihåg att det är jag som känner en bot.

En bot som ingen ingen annan slår
Och hon kan kicka utan att hon får
Hon gör sig av med alla som spammar
Ja ingen kan slå våran bot

(Musik)

Ready for take off

Are you ready

Jag känner en bot
Hon heter Anna. Anna heter hon,
och hon kan banna banna dig så hårt
Hon röjer upp i våran kanal.
Jag vill berätta för dig att jag känner en bot.

Då kom den dagen jag inte trodde fanns
Den satte verkligen kanalen ur balans
Jag trodde aldrig att jag hade så fel
Men när Anna skrev och sa

Jag är ingen bot
Jag är en väldigt, väldigt vacker tjej,
som nu tyvärr är väldigt främmande för mig.
Men det finns inget som behöver förklaras,
för i mina ögon är hon alltid en bot

Hon heter Anna. Anna heter hon,
och hon kan banna banna dig så hårt
Hon röjer upp i våran kanal.
Jag vill berätta för dig att jag känner en bot,
som alltid vaktar alla som är här,
och som ser till att vi blir utan besvär.
Det finns ingen take-over som lyckas.
Kom ihåg att det är jag som känner en bot,

En bot som ingen ingen annan slår,
och hon kan kicka utan att hon får.
Hon gör sig av med alla som spammar.
Ja, ingen kan slå våran bot!

Ready for take off

(musik)

Are you ready

mmmmm.... basshunter = love

I can't even begin to describe how much I hurt right now.... I lost the best thing to ever happen to me... god, I love him so much... It's really not fair... What did I do to deserve this hell? And then I've got my mom screaming at me to fucking move on and stop bringing her mood down... i've been crying for the past 12 hours... with a 4 hour break for sleep. God, it hurts so bad... I knew this was coming, so why did it hurt so bad when it did? I love him.... God I still love him so much.... why does life have to be so unfair? I fall head over heals for a person, who loves me back, we thought there was nothign that could end it.. .and then this and boom... he's gone. It's only been 12 hours and already I miss him so bad, I feel sick to my stomach... this is hell... merry christmas and all that jazz...

A tear
In that tear
lies a shattered heart.
My heart
weeping,
longing to hold you
to kiss you
To kiss your tears away.
To be your only love.

It crawls down my cheek.
One of many
grazing my skin, leaving me changed.
marked by the bitter bite of the cruel loss it leaves;
as is the way with tears.
reflecting in itself fond memories
touching
laughing
loving.
whispered promises
broken promises
Promises i still intend to keep.

It clings to my chin,
like i clung to you.
desporate to hold on,
desporate for your kiss.
desporate to die without you.
I see you, talk to you. love you.
like you said you love me.
but is it you? Is it me?
or were we lost, shadows of who we once were?

All I need is your kiss, your arms around me,
to save me

from falling
falling
falling
shattered on the ground

alone and forgotten

slowely fading

until nothing remains

but a soft memory.

I love you.